I kissed two girls in middle school.
I know… bad ass right? Just kidding…
The first one I’ve talked about, it was that four year running affair that wasn’t spoken about. But there was another night where I again out of the blue decided why not just kiss a straight girl when I’m already struggling to keep my identity a secret.
I just kissed her. Out of nowhere. We never talked about it again. Two years later she moved.
There was only one person in my life who actually knew about it, knew about everything. And I knew she knew but her and I never talked about it. Not once. And we never can again.
You see I lucked out….one of my sisters was very close in age to me and we shared the same friends. She knew about my affair even only in part and she knew about that kiss… how do I know that? Because girls talk and I kissed her best friend. But she never said anything to me and I never asked just in case that 0.01% chance actually happened and her best friend stayed mute.
These days all I want to do is talk to her, it’d be so much easier just to bring it to light. But I can’t. I talk to the air and to my memories but that’s all I get now… memories and wishes that I’d of spoken sooner. You see the sad reality I live in every day is that my sister died… a few years ago now and it’s been horrifying to walk through. I don’t really think the missing of a sibling gets better or less painful… I think the gap of time just allows it to be more manageable, but never better. And the more I share my secrets the more I wish I had shared them with her…with the person who always, already knew.
I’ve been avoiding talking about my sister, I’m just not sure why. I think it’s because it adds a heart load of pain to a lot of questions. I think it’s also because deep inside me I always knew she knew and she constantly loved me regardless. Why didn’t I just say it? One word, one hand reach outward…anything.
This is another reason, among so many that keep piling up, of why I need to grow my voice. I understand in the most painful of ways the fragility of life. I know that in just a split second you get a phone call that changes your whole world. I understand that I can’t promise I’ll be here tomorrow to anyone but I can promise to give everything I have today. And I wasn’t doing that before, I was giving what I had the courage to give and nothing more. I was hiding like a coward but I don’t want to do that anymore. I want to continue to grow strength in my legs as I shakily stand up for the first time.
Today’s confession is life is very short and very fragile. And I’m scared if I don’t start speaking and start growing I’ll die a mute…that my sister’s death will somehow stand for nothing more than pain and not a reality check. Her life was far too much for her death to mean so little to me. I need to live my life as fully and as richly as I possibly can. I need to start taking chances and start making changes. I need to thrive to be successful in things I love and not in the things that continue to increase my paycheck and my numbness to life. Today’s confession is… I’m going to really need to continue these confessions… I have so much more to say and so much more to give.
2 thoughts on “Confession #13”
I have recently come across you on twitter and from there found your blog. I have been making my way through your “confessions”. All have hit home in some way or another and I have planned on once getting through them to write you. But this confession of yours I could not just move on from. I feel the need to thank you for sharing your pain, for your transparency. To do so with those close to you is difficult but to do so with total strangers takes an unsurmountable amount of courage in my book. Thanks for being vulnerable in your writings. Trust me when I say they are touching deep places in my soul that I have been afraid to look at until recently.
Thank you for reading. There are often times I go back in the confessions when people comment and I cannot believe I actually wrote something. But what I have learned through my own life is that friendship and real conversation is rarely found in the joys of life…rather it is found in the trenches. When things are painful and hard and scary and complicated. And more than ever people need to know they are not alone in that place. Thank you for reading… and for taking a moment to comment. I am so grateful every time I hear from the hearts of readers… it’s amazing…